he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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