Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
