But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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