Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
