As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Randomize
