I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Drunk is a universal language darling
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize