Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
In other news, I just burned my penis
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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