Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
