I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
