if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
she woke up with a sticky ear
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
