Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
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