His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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