this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
