i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
