I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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