The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
