so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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