i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
You need Xanax blowdarts
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
