Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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