I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Randomize