You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
