Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
