So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
