my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
