These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
