im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
