Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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