just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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