I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
