The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
