that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
