there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
