You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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