dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
