were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
