dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
