turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
