my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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