I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize