Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
