I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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