when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
