Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
