mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
