Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
