apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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