Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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