Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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