The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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