shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Everclear isn't food dammit
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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