U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
People in love make me want to vomit
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
