we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
i love accidental penises.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
