It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
