He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
