I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
