guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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