Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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