dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Randomize
