I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Randomize
