We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
We need to get me chipped asap
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
