my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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