Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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