You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
