he puts the penis in happiness.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
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