ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Houston, we have a blender
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
