I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize